first post on the new blog.
but not my first post or blog. i decided to completely delete all that was my former blog. after reading it...i realized i was much more depressed when last i blogged than i realized.
but i'm returning to blogging. renewed and happy.
finally.
the Lord is good...and i'm grateful that he's so much more faithful to me than i am to him. long story as short as possible?
when last i was blogging the year was 2010. i got married in 2009 - to my soul-mate. cliche'? yes, but very true. we had at first said we were going to wait until we were debt-free and married for 2 years before we started a family. 3 months into our marriage though - we decided to start trying. at that point EVERYONE (and that is honestly not an exaggeration) around me started getting pregnant. on purpose, on accident, besties and acquaintances. (seriously, you can ask my friends and family. everyone got knocked up but me.) we started trying mid-summer...and in december i finally had a positive pregnancy test! made appointments as quickly as possible and got the ball on the roll. then, at the ultrasound, the tech could find nothing. and not only could she find nothing, she used the "magic wand" tool and it came out covered in "discharge". i know that the ultrasound didn't cause my miscarriage, but i have always blamed it. i went home and that night had a miscarriage at home. most people seem all shocked that i didn't go to the hospital. however, that was a very private - albeit unbelievably painful - experience. tons of advil, a heating pad, and my husbands loving and tender arms carried me through that very rough night. by the next day my 9 week pregnancy was over.
i felt surrounded by insensitivity...comments from pregnant friends like, "honestly, you're lucky it isn't you. this is miserable" and "well, you can always adopt" were painful and got old very early on. for the next year and a half my husband endured my all-consuming desire to procreate...and so did my parents...and some of my friends listened...and even fewer actually cared. (although i'm glad for all the ears that let me vent, i was very aware of who was just letting me talk and who actually listened/cared.) during that year and a half i became very bitter...and angry...and depressed. my husband was very ok with all the fertility testing we went through - and very supportive. however, every stinkin' test came back clear - i had no "obvious" issues. so why wasn't I able to get pregnant as easily as EVERYONE around me?!
it was at this low point in my life that for the very first time EVER - i was seriously doubting God. i asked Jesus Christ into my heart when i was 6. i cannot remember a time in my life that i haven't believed, loved, and served Him. that i haven't completely trusted Him...and always talked to Him. so that doubt was as painful for me as the continuous pregnancies around me and lack of pregnancy on my own part. which why i am so very grateful for His faithfulness. because, in retrospect, i can now see how perfect the Lord's timing truly is.
one month after paying off ALL of our combined debt (barring the brand new "family" vehicle we had bought and a mortgage) and the day after our 2nd marriage anniversary - remember those goals we set when we got married? - we found out we were again pregnant. now, keep in mind that we had not had any positive pregnancy tests since the one and only failed pregnancy of Dec. 10, 2010 (a date that any woman who's miscarried knows, cannot be forgotten quickly). STOKED is the only word that is applicable. then set in fear. i spent an entire 9 months panicking over everything...i spotted twice at the beginning of the pregnancy - skipped work and went to doc both times. drank sour milk - immediately called my mom and surfed the internet to see if bad milk would hurt the baby. someone who's pregnancy was only 2 weeks ahead of mine lost her baby? missed work and went to doc - just to hear that tiny little heart-beat. among all of this worry and anticipation, i was also preparing to be laid off from my job - another major answered prayer. we always planned on my being a stay at home mom, but if we worked my times out correctly, i would get a severance package to send me on my way to stay-at-home-mommyhood.
on tuesday Oct. 25th i went to my regular check up - and because there had been no movement in the prior weeks toward delivery, and i wasn't due until Nov. 3rd - the doc didn't even check me. we heard a heart-beat. i asked what it felt like when your water broke. and we went home. i had skipped work that tuesday, so wednesday morning i was determined to get up and go in to work. 15 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off i had to pee...so i got up and went, without even turning on the light. but when i was done peeing...i was still leaking. i called to my husband asking him to turn the light on - to which he soundly said, "NO." i called a little louder and said, "i need you to get up and turn the bathroom light on, i think my water's broke." he was in the bathroom and had the light on. we got the ball rolling...i showered, he got us subs from the gas station and put gas in the vehicle, loaded hospital bags (next time he'll be packing his own bag, lol). we headed to the hospital. 36 hours later i didn't get the natural delivery i wanted - i got a c-section...and a BEAUTIFUL baby boy! his name is Hagan Phillip - Hagan means "the protector". i'm watching him in his swing napping as i type...and he's 5 months old. i don't remember what life was like without him.
so God's faithfulness and timing are perfect...and i spent a year and a half in doubt for no reason. He proved me wrong...and taught me that His plans for me are perfect...and that's not just a line, it's Truth.
so when i decided it was time to start blogging again...and i looked back at all of my former anger, depression, and heart-ache...i simply deleted my entire former profile. starting fresh.
i want this blog to be about my life. my very limited, but intense, passions.
God.
Family.
Reading.
Yarn. (crochet and now knitting)
Crafts and Art.
i have an easy shop...in which one day i will re-list my handmade items. my shop is "mandypandy homemade" - so my blog name is similar.
welcome!
all sorts of love,
~*mandypandy*~
James 1:2-3
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